Why Now? Why Me?

I often think about how my life is,

And just how it used to be.

I think about the good time I've had,

And the things that made me happy.

I wonder why everything seemed to slip,

Right though my own hand.

What was it that happened to me,

Why now nothing is all I understand.

Why can't I find the things,

That used to bring me such pleasure.

Why now is everything so different,

With just a pain scale for a measure.

What was it that went wrong,

What brought me to this place.

What made me hate my life,

Seeing only suffering and disgrace.

What time did I say,

"I can't be happy anymore."

When did I lose all the peace,

That I held onto so tightly before.

Why me, what did I do wrong,

To feel the way I do right now.

Losing all hope and faith,

I can't even remember how.

Will it ever come back to me,

Or will I simply die this way,

Why do I have to feel so sad all the time,

Will all these fears and pains always stay?

"The Road That Never Ends"

Most of the time it seems,

We are walking down a road that never ends.

One that just goes back and forth,

So many twist, turns, and bends.

Curving around never seeming to lead,

To anything important at all.

We just keep wandering,

To the next place where we stumble and fall.

The road that never ends,

Always seems to lead right up to me.

I put my foot on the path,

Thinking I will always know where I am going to be.

But with every step I take,

I seem to stray farther and farther away.

To busy trying to figure out where to go tomorrow,

I forget where I was today.

So I just keep walking,

Finding nothing but sorrow and pain.

When It seems it can't get any worse,

It begins to pour and rain.

I go in directions that mislead,

Even though at times it seems strange.

Even the helpful signs along the way,

Everyday those, as well, seem to change.

Why can't a find a way through,

Even start over where it all begins.

It seems I have no choice,

To continuously wander down this road that never ends.

"Don't Tell Me"

Don't tell me how life is,

I don't really want to know.

Don't tell me how I fell,

Or where you think I need to go.

Don't tell me what is wrong with me,

Like I haven't heard it before.

Don't tell me what you think,

I do not even care anymore.

Don't tell me how to fix my problems,

Even the ones I did not know I had.

Don't tell me how to be happy,

When all I know is broken and sad.

Don't tell me who I am,

I can figure that out on my own,

Don't tell me how I used to be,

As if you have always known.

Don't tell me how to react,

To things that I do not control.

Don't tell me how to understand,

The things burning within my soul.

Don't tell me where to look,

When I see nothing good at all.

Don't tell me where to stand,

If you are not going to catch me when I fall.

Don't tell me how to live,

I can do fine on my own.

Don't tell me who I need to be,

Don't tell me anything, I'd rather be alone.

"Who Am I"

There are many things in this life,

I will probably never figure out.

Many things I believe in.

Some real to me, others that I doubt.

There are many people,

That I will never trust.

Why can't I figure out,

All the things that I must.

I can't seem to find "the way",

To be happy instead of sad.

Why can't I find the way,

To move on from what has been had.

Why can't I see the happiness,

Perhaps locked up deep inside.

Why can't I let it free,

What is there left to hide.

Why must all the things that make me smile,

Go away so very fast.

Why must I sit and cry,

Constantly thinking about the past.

Why must I hurt with so much emotion,

I can't take much more.

Why is it so hard to move on,

Just get up and open the door.

Why is it so difficult,

To answer, Why?

Why is it so hard to find,

Who am I?

"What Am I Looking For"

Sometimes I can get lost,

I don't have to be anywhere.

I just sit in my room,

Wondering why life seems so unfair.

Sometimes I just sit and pray,

But I wondering if there is anyone on the other side.

My only choice is to talk to myself,

In whom else would I confide?

I tell myself it is okay to cry all the time,

Or at least that is what I say.

When I know that my tears,

Won't fade or ever go away.

Sometimes I like to be alone,

Only because there is no one there.

I often think about hurting myself,

Would anyone honestly care?

I can't see any happiness today might bring,

Because yesterday's sadness is still locked in my head.

I think about the stupid things I have done,

All the completely dumb things I have said.

There are times I don't even feel the pain,

My brain has gone completely numb.

Maybe I am just imagining things,

Why do I think I am so dumb?

I don't know if there is any room left,

Anywhere for me to go anymore.

I don't even know where to look,

When I don't even know what I am looking for.

A few of the poems I will be submitting are from a difficult time in my life, a time when a lot of things were going on and my family life was pretty rough.

"Suffocated"

Every day it seems,

Something new is going on.

Sometimes good, sometimes bad,

Sometimes I am the King, others the pawn.

There are so many changes,

Making me so frustrated.

It seems like there is nothing I can do,

Just sit back and be suffocated.

Suffocated to the point,

Where my heart can't breathe anymore.

So "out of whack" with things,

So many obstacles I can't just ignore.

A new pain comes every day,

Some stay all day long.

Wondering with every new day,

What exactly am I doing wrong?

Sympathy from other people,

Is that what I really need?

Feeling so lost all of the time,

I need something to heal me when I bleed.

Growing weaker with every passing moment,

From what is going on in my mind.

The never ending sorrow of things,

Fearing what I will never be able to find.

Blazing, scorching pain,

Buried deeply within my skin.

Looking so hard, never finding,

Anything good that might lie within.

Hoping someday I will find that key,

Unlocking what it is that is really true.

Maybe it is not even there.

Then what will I do?